Tell Me Lies, Tell Me Sweet Lies

In days of yore, there was a time where we could take everything a guy says at face value and believe it true. I highly doubt that the generation of our great great grandparents were overly worried that their partners were hooking up with complete strangers at the local pub (dance hall). There wasn't much of a need for anxiety or suspicious thoughts with regards to sleeping around or honesty. But in today's society, how is it that we can no longer believe everything our partners tell us (especially at the beginning of a relationship)? Over time, did we develop this suspicion? I believe that this distrusting attitude is not innate considering that our fore fathers were never psycho-obsessive about honesty issues. Over time, relationship after relationship, a "doubting" attitude burgeons that leads us to where we are now.

So if this attitude is not innate, then what signals us that the the partner is lying? Does our common sense spot in our brain tell us? Do our memories and previous experiences send out a DANGER DANGER sign? Or is it our good ol' gut feeling that calls the losers out on their lies and misdeeds? I am sure that we've listened to all of the above, but yet we've fallen for and worst of all, believed, the mass of lies our partner has told us. All the things that we listen to tell us that it's safe, but we end up crying over the realisation that you've been had.

This post isn't very profound. Or optimistic, for that matter. Unfortunately, it's just a comment on society and general. And a hope where we can once again believe EVERYTHING that our partners tell us.

Regards,

James

Thought of the Day

If we see a potential in bar, we would probably go up to talk to him/her. If we see a potential on the street at 11:30 AM, we probably would NOT go up to talk to him/her. Why is that? Are we afraid that the day light would reveal too much too soon? Are we afraid to introduce ourselves without the Top 40 music blaring in the background and your drunken friend hanging off of you?

Think about it.

What's Hot for Fall!

So my favourite season is upon us...Fall! I always seem to connect the change in season with a change in men. The light, airy relationships of the summer are no more, and suddenly we are looking for something more substantial. I feel the same goes for clothes; the easy summer sun dresses and sandals are out, and the chunky, knit sweaters and dark, suede booties are in. We need something heavier and more durable to maintain us and our needs. There's something very empowering about fall clothing, to me. Maybe it's the added layers of fabric that I wear as a sort of protective shield that makes me feel unstoppable. There are a few "must-have" items I am putting out there for fall 2009:

A cropped leather jacket. It goes perfectly with any dress or top. So chic!
A leopard blazer. Goes great with a pair of jeans and a white tank top. Can't go wrong.
A funky fedora will compliment a hot, edgy look easily. I would go to Main Street for some unique pieces.
A suede black, grey or purple bootie.
A chunky knit sweater sinched with a big, bright belt.

Happy shopping!

With love,

Audrey

Re: The Search for Love

"I've heard that many single people lead very satisfying lives"
(posted in http://sexloveandintrigue.blogspot.com/2009/10/search-for-love_25.html)

Someone once asked if I had ever had been in a relationship. I responded a casual, ambivalent response of "No" to which she replied "Awwww....poor you, you'll find someone." I was shocked and surprised on many levels. Firstly, I was in utter disgust that she thought I was sad about it. Moreover, I was in awe about how society in general assumes that if we're not in a relationship, then our life is not completely satisfying. In our culture, it's a tragedy for someone to die alone, or for a twenty-something to have never been kissed. We throw lavish, celebratroy weddings for the union of two people finding love, but rarely recognize receiving a Ph.D or making CEO with little more than a pat on the back. Single people can live very satisfying lives, but it depends on what we value. If you find being in romantic relationships satisfying, then by all means, pursue them. Cool. If you find being a successful biochemist satisfying, cool. Be one. But don't pity the people who are single. You may find that their lives are actually satisfying. And remember, married people can also be unhappy and dissatisfied.

Regards,

James

PS. Brava to your post, Miss.

The Search for Love

For years, young girls have been taught to believe in this fairytale lifestyle, in which a man will whisk you off your feet and the two of you will live "happily ever after." I have always thought finding the "right guy" was just a given, along with all my other life goals. I never considered the possibility of any obstacles intruding on this vision I had created for myself. What if love isn't a given? What if you spend your whole life searching for that one person and you never find them? Is that just wasted time? The amount of time spent on primping before dates, analyzing his words/body language the day after with your friends, and of course, the inevitable tears and self-blame when it doesn't work out, is exhausting. Are we that fixated on the idea of love that we endure the horrors of dating, hoping that sooner or later, that one special guy will come along?

Robert Frost said, "Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired." I think it is this yearning for self-validation and reassurance that we are not alone that drives us to want to find love. It's knowing that among billions of people in the world, we have at least one person who will share our life/soul unconditionally and protect it as if it were their own.

Is the energy we put into finding love a direct correlation to how lonely and hollow we are as individuals? I've heard that many single people lead very satisfying lives...and although I am content with many aspects of my life, I still have that irresistible desire. Love is one thing I cannot give up on, no matter how many disastrous men I meet.

Yours truly,

Audrey

Should you be dating?

Sometimes I wonder about some people who are in relationships. Any types of relationships. A marriage. Open dating. Exclusive dating. Certain people should not be in relationships because they don't know who they are themselves. If we do not know who we are, then how do we know what we want? It's hard enough to get your own shit together, but even harder when you're in a relationship. You now have this relationship stuff getting in the way of discovering who you are. I have noticed that people who are constantly in (self-destructive, unsuccessful, pointless) relationships are people who have yet to figure themselves out. They're people that that don't know where they seem themselves in five years. They're people that are switching up jobs every 6 months. They're people with big plans and grand schemes, but end up making choices that obviously impede their way into fulfilling these dreams. Get your act together. Granted, we're allowed to make mistakes. That's what growing up is all about- making mistakes, gaining experiences. But constantly making poor, poor choices is not good. It's delusional and delusional people rarely discover who they are. Are they really ready to be in the dating world?

Regards,

James

Western Stupidity

It's very disturbing and eerie to think that there are people in western and high socio-economic countries that continue to have unprotected sex despite their financial capability and education on protection and STIs. I find it hard to believe that the threat of syphillis and more virulent threats such as the HIV/AIDS virus does little to steer people onto the road of safe sex practices. Are these the same people that don't wash their hands after the washroom before preparing a meal? I doubt anyone would want to lick the seat of a public transit bus, so I do not understand why anyone would want to have unprotected sex with a complete stranger.

Unprotected sex is a complete slap in the face for the developing countries where condoms and sex education are sparse, and the HIV/AIDS virus is prevalent in all generations. Unfortunately, little is typically available to curb unsafe sex practices, and thus the spread of the disease. In developed, westernized countries, there is no excuse for HIV/AIDS transmission through sex. We have the education. We know the disease. We see the victims. We can afford protection. And yet we have unprotected sex. I don't know the real reason why people do not pick the more logical choice in sex practices, but I'll chalk it up to plain stupidity.

www.hc-sc.gc.ca/hl-vs/iyh-vsv/diseases-maladies/hiv-vih-eng.php

Regards,

James

Standards, Snobbery, and a Bitch-fest.

It’s good to have standards when eyeing up our potential mates. It tells us what we want and what we are looking for, and helps us narrow down a great sea of potentials into only a few handfuls of possibilities. Standards outline our expectations of who we want to spend the rest of our lives with (as well as who we’ll be going home with that night). But is there a point when our standards are so high set that we’re expecting the impossible? Are we ignoring very promising potentials based on the standards that we set and snap judgments that we make from on a 2 second conversation? Do our standards block the formation of any emotional attachments and feelings because we’re over thinking of what we want and what we deserve? There is there a fine line between our standards and what we feel we are entitled to in looking for a potential mate. If we cross that imaginary line, we may have left the land of hopeless romantic and entered a land of pretentious snobbery. Who could ever love a snob?

I am not saying that we should drop all standards and start chasing after anyone with a pulse. But perhaps we should have a little wiggle room with regards to our own expectations. Let's say for example we meet a caring, respectful guy with a great sense of humour, awesome job (and $), and an 8 on the hottness scale. What if we also say that this guy meets almost all of our standards but with one exception- our standards require that the guy must be a 9 on the hotness scale. We would have passed up a perfectly decent guy because we made our standards to include a 9 rather than an 8. Moreover, we would have never been able to form a potential bond or that "it" factor that would have happened if we gave that guy (who's an 8!) an oppurtunity. That potential bond may have ended up outweighing the fact that the guy is only an 8. Who knows, we may have already passed up the perfect and "destined" guy because we wanted "very. very funny" and all we could find were "very funny."

If we have our own sometimes unreasonable standards, then chances are that the men out there would also have their own standards. This further adds complications to the already complex web of the dating scene. What if we meet the perfect guy who matches our own standards, but we in fact do not match his own standards. How would that make us feel? Not too hot, huh? Wouldn't you want the guy to give us a chance? Wouldn't you think he was nuts to pass over us because we're a 9 and he wanted a 10?

Yes, there is a fine line between standards and snobbery. Are we being snobs for knowing what we want? No. Are we being snobs by refusing to consider any potentials because he doesn't fit that perfect mold? Yes, actually you're being a stupid snob. The main issue is that we're over thinking of what we want and what we deserve. We need time to let emotions and bonds to form, but these attachments can't form if you're mind is telling you that he doesn't meet our criteria.

So what's the BIG picture of all of this?
(1) Have standards but leave wiggle room.
(2) Let your guard down for a bit, don't overthink what you want....you may find that our standards that we set may be something that we do not even cherish at all.

Happy Hunting,

James

Denial...friend or foe?

Denial can be one of our best friends. It can tell us that the extra weight gain is because the scale is broken and we're retaining water that day. It convinces us that we really did not make out with that 18 year-old who works at The Gap last night at the bar. It reminds us that it is okay to go on a shopping spree, even with the lack of funds and the big red "amount owed" on our credit card bill. Yes, Denial is a supportive friend. It encourages us and is always there to tell us what we want to hear. What we WANT to hear and what we NEED to hear are two very different things, however. Think of Denial as that one friend that's always there, but not necessarily there for all the right reasons. Denial can be the one friend telling us that the one line of coke is okay to do, but skips out when you're addicted, cracked-out, and struggling with life. Denial is good to have for the moment, but fails us when we truly need it.

With Denial always ever present, how is that we would be able to learn anything. Denial cannot teach us anything. Denial cannot help us grow as people. As previously posted, stories can be a source for lessons. If we don't appreciate that these stories can provide insight and lessons, then what was the point of reading it? The same can be said about memories and realities- good or bad. If we've experienced bad memories or are facing horrible realities, what's the point? Do we experience something bad, and chalk it up to "Shit Happens"? No. We must take these experiences and learn from them. Confront them...or else that horrid experience was moot and our good friend Denial happens to show up again. We must remember that Denial can be turned away, much like a bad friend. We've had fun times with Denial, but we definitely know that it is a bad influence. Rather, we want friends in our life that can make us smarter, better human beings. Lessons and approaching challenges can be those friends. One good friend (a real, physical friend) told me once that "without challenges, we would never be able to reach our full potential." It's true...conversely, however, "with Denial we would never be able to reach our full potential."

Learn from experiences and realities. Accept challenges. Kick Denial to the curb and walk on through life.

Regards,

James

Single & Ready to Mingle.

We're tired. We're a tad bit over it. And we're old. Okay, we're not that old, but as twentysomething individuals ready to embark on the many journies of life, it feels like the single life has already been half of enternity with the other half ever slowly approaching us. We're not saying that without a companion, life is slow, meaningless, and for lack of a better word, "sucky." We enjoy other aspects of our lives. Friends and family are wonderful. Our jobs are interesting and rewarding. Rather, we believe that the amount of effort we put into the dating scene is inversely proportional to the benefits that we hope to receive, and for that reason we take a FML stance on our life of single-dom.

So in order to keep ourselves from taking a leap into the watery, frigid abyss, we have decided that writing a few anecdotes about dating and the single life would (A) release some much added stress and headaches and (B) hopefully aid in the discussion and advice of dating, relationships, and being single. We all have fun, awkward, terribly wonderful stories about relationships (and lack there of), so why not share them! It's comforting to know that we're not the only ones sitting on the sofa on a Saturday nite watching the CBS Hallmark Movie of the Week. It's also good to know that we all at one point in our lives, have dated a douche, a tool, and an all around-jerk wad, ass hole, and creep. I know that this may instantly sound like a welfare, redux of Sex and the City. No sex, however, can be just as interesting...and the city? Sometimes, love can be found in suburbia at the local Starbucks (or another non-conglomerate coffee shop).

Stories are entertainment. Stories are also lessons- life lessons. Hopefully, by reading the stories, we can remember how we felt at the time of the story and what we were thinking....thus avoiding any future cries on your mobile with your friend in your car at the side of the road (oh, it happens!).

Nevertheless, we must remain OPTIMISTIC. Optimism is actually quite difficult to achieve, but it is the one thing that we have the most control over. Being sad and mopey is definitely allowed...why else do we own three pairs of the XXXL sweat pants? But optimism about love, friendship, and life is the greatest euphoria we'll need to get out of that funk. With that said, optimism about life can only be accomplished if we're actually optimistic and happy about who we are. If we cannot see how wonderful we really are, then how can we expect someone to do the same?

Regards,

James & Audrey