With 2011 freshly upon us, chances are that we start to evaluate our decisions from the past year, particularly with one's partner. With that being said, we know of many couples in short and long term relationships that had a break up within the evening of New Year's Eve. Not because these couples suddenly realized that they had no future on the eve of New Year's but rather because a whole bunch of crazy popped up that night. Were these break-ups a result of multiple cracks in the relationship that finally broke up the coupling or were the break-ups well thought of and introspective?
Maybe many couples breeze through the year with their partner, secretly knowing that they are not meant to be together and all of the problems just seem to culminate at the year's end. We don't want to go through the holidays alone; not exchanging gifts, going dateless to our Christmas office parties, or having no one to kiss at the stroke of midnight. Maybe couples latch on to each other despite feeling like they are destined for splitsville simply because they are afraid to be alone. With all of the talk of resolutions and goals for the new year, maybe people start to finally accept what they have been avoiding for so long...or maybe they are so entrenched in the craziness of their relationship that New Years is just an extravagant night for all the drama they create to unfold in a big blowout. When a couple's whole relationship has been played out like a dramatic soap opera why wouldn't one of the biggest nights of the year be the perfect setting for the end of this twisted love story? Perhaps the introspectivity of the relationship results from the multiple cracks that erupts on New Year's Eve. A hand-in-hand correlation?
In the end, however, a New Year and beginning results with hopes of a new partner...but is it the end of crazy? We'll see in 2012.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
The Break Up
I recently went through a break up and would like to share my thoughts. It began like a page out of a fairy tale....that should have been my first clue this was bound to crash and burn. We couldn't get enough of each other and I can honestly say that first month with him was the happiest I have ever been. I had practically moved into his place and he had told his family about us and was planning trips in the future and even implied that we were soulmates. Normally I would have red flags going off in every direction, but I truly felt like this was real.....
About a month after we started dating his work began to get really busy and he informed me that the "honeymoon period was over." He seemed less excited to see me each time, and our dates seemed to be less frequent. I started to feel like this relationship was operating solely on his time schedule.
Lesson #1. The First Month of a Relationship is a Smoke Screen. They are not being their true self. They are being who they think you want them to be.
I began to see who this guy really was and it was really difficult for me to accept that this once extremely affectionate man who wanted to see me all the time all of a sudden was refusing to hold my hand and limiting our contact to once a week. This. Was. Heart Breaking.
When I confronted him about how I felt and expressed my desire for things to move forward instead of backwards he got really upset with me and said I was being "needy" and he was trying to make an effort to call me and see me, but this just wasn't good enough for me. I had started to fall for him and how do you put your love for someone on hold? I started to tell him all of his "faults" and didn't understand why he wouldn't just compromise to make me happy. We fought over the idea of compromise for a while, and up until recently I thought he was dead wrong.
Lesson #2. Accept Each Other as We Are. Asking your partner to alter themselves for your own needs will only cause stress and resentment in the realtionship and deteriorate your sense of self.
I came across a quote from the book "Eat, Pray, Love" that rang true to me: "In desperate love, we always invent the characters of our partners demanding they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place." Although I think my ex had a part in creating that role as well, once I saw who he really was, I tried to force him to be someone he wasn't.
Lesson #3. Throw Away the Checklist. I had an image in my head of what a relationship was supposed to look like, and I felt inadequate when every box wasn't getting checked off my list. What is a relationship supposed to feel/look like? Are we just supposed to take the bad with the good? It was only after we broke up that I began to realize how important knowing yourself is to be able to answer those questions...which leads me to the final lesson.
Lesson #4. Know Who You Are. Every relationship is different and there is no guidebook to tell you what is right or wrong. I learned that a large degree of my unhappiness in the relationship had nothing to do with what he was or wasn't doing for me, and had everything to do with myself. If you allow your entire happiness to be dependent on the actions of someone else then you are bound to be disappointed. We must have things for ourselves that can sustain us and keep us fulfilled. One of the biggest challenges a lot of women face is learning not to lose themselves in love. Maintaining your own sense of self is essential to remaining in a healthy relationship.
Sometimes break ups happen so we can take that time apart to evolve and re-evaluate our own wants and needs. There is always a lesson to be learned from something bad and it is what you do with this new knowledge that makes all the difference.
I will always be a lover of Love...and one day he will love me back.
Audrey
About a month after we started dating his work began to get really busy and he informed me that the "honeymoon period was over." He seemed less excited to see me each time, and our dates seemed to be less frequent. I started to feel like this relationship was operating solely on his time schedule.
Lesson #1. The First Month of a Relationship is a Smoke Screen. They are not being their true self. They are being who they think you want them to be.
I began to see who this guy really was and it was really difficult for me to accept that this once extremely affectionate man who wanted to see me all the time all of a sudden was refusing to hold my hand and limiting our contact to once a week. This. Was. Heart Breaking.
When I confronted him about how I felt and expressed my desire for things to move forward instead of backwards he got really upset with me and said I was being "needy" and he was trying to make an effort to call me and see me, but this just wasn't good enough for me. I had started to fall for him and how do you put your love for someone on hold? I started to tell him all of his "faults" and didn't understand why he wouldn't just compromise to make me happy. We fought over the idea of compromise for a while, and up until recently I thought he was dead wrong.
Lesson #2. Accept Each Other as We Are. Asking your partner to alter themselves for your own needs will only cause stress and resentment in the realtionship and deteriorate your sense of self.
I came across a quote from the book "Eat, Pray, Love" that rang true to me: "In desperate love, we always invent the characters of our partners demanding they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place." Although I think my ex had a part in creating that role as well, once I saw who he really was, I tried to force him to be someone he wasn't.
Lesson #3. Throw Away the Checklist. I had an image in my head of what a relationship was supposed to look like, and I felt inadequate when every box wasn't getting checked off my list. What is a relationship supposed to feel/look like? Are we just supposed to take the bad with the good? It was only after we broke up that I began to realize how important knowing yourself is to be able to answer those questions...which leads me to the final lesson.
Lesson #4. Know Who You Are. Every relationship is different and there is no guidebook to tell you what is right or wrong. I learned that a large degree of my unhappiness in the relationship had nothing to do with what he was or wasn't doing for me, and had everything to do with myself. If you allow your entire happiness to be dependent on the actions of someone else then you are bound to be disappointed. We must have things for ourselves that can sustain us and keep us fulfilled. One of the biggest challenges a lot of women face is learning not to lose themselves in love. Maintaining your own sense of self is essential to remaining in a healthy relationship.
Sometimes break ups happen so we can take that time apart to evolve and re-evaluate our own wants and needs. There is always a lesson to be learned from something bad and it is what you do with this new knowledge that makes all the difference.
I will always be a lover of Love...and one day he will love me back.
Audrey
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Putting yourself out there...
I was looking at my last entry from almost a year ago and my insight on dating has changed...for the better? In retrospect, I think I lacked insight into the dating world a year ago. I think I was naive. Trusting. And hopelessly optimistic. Although at the moment I feel none of those attributes to the dating world and men, getting thrown into the dating scene still gets me excited.
Ever since the big 2-6, I have been taking a lot more risks when it comes to dating. I have to admit that this is all from dates derived from the internet but they're dates, nonetheless. In the last post, I was sweating bullets because a guy wasn't calling me back after, what I know realize, was a lack luster date. It lacked chemistry. Flash forward to my current days, I can now identify when I date is leading nowhere. I do have to admit, however, that I am having troubles establishing if I am being put into the friend zone or a lover zone...but that's another post. I think the main point here is that I would have never gotten to this realization of a bad date if I never put myself out there and tried dating. Am I frustrated with the dating world? Yes...but it's something that I can always improve on and get better at. Learning's fun anyways.
Ever since the big 2-6, I have been taking a lot more risks when it comes to dating. I have to admit that this is all from dates derived from the internet but they're dates, nonetheless. In the last post, I was sweating bullets because a guy wasn't calling me back after, what I know realize, was a lack luster date. It lacked chemistry. Flash forward to my current days, I can now identify when I date is leading nowhere. I do have to admit, however, that I am having troubles establishing if I am being put into the friend zone or a lover zone...but that's another post. I think the main point here is that I would have never gotten to this realization of a bad date if I never put myself out there and tried dating. Am I frustrated with the dating world? Yes...but it's something that I can always improve on and get better at. Learning's fun anyways.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Pick up the phone.
I researched topics. I made a list of the Do's and Don'ts. I remembered etiquette. I was prepared. So then why was the date such a bust?
Granted, it's been only two days since the date but I've been mulling over the date for the whole weekend trying to determine what I could have done to "seal the deal" for the next date right before the awkward good-bye. Could I have been funnier? Did I make him think I wasn't interested? Did I talk too much or too little? Why hasn't he called yet? (I am well aware that the rules of who's calling whom is slightly skewed nowadays so I made an effort this morning to write him a Facebook message about a general topic that we previously conversed...so now the ball is officially in his court and I think it makes the waiting and potential outcome worse).
I've been trying to figure out why I've been so neurotic post-date. Why was I continually over-analyzing the date and the events that occurred on it? (I should have prefaced this entry by saying that I thought the date went pretty well considering my non-date history). I think the root of my neurosis has to do with my over anticipation and excitement over the date itself. I believe that my preparation, high hopes and expectations led to my current low. Maybe the date wasn't even bad, but in my mind it only appeared horrid compared to my exaggerated expectations of how the date should have ended (ie. think cheesy romance). I honestly could have seen myself dating the guy long-term and perhaps that was the exaggerated, albeit hopeful outcome. Was I hoping for that hot chemistry between us and as a result, was it blurring my judgment? I don't think I'll ever know. I do know that on paper he was amazing (and cute) and that he would have been the perfect boyfriend and that is what I am possibly most upset about.
But then again, it's only been two days. He might still call.
Regards,
James.
Granted, it's been only two days since the date but I've been mulling over the date for the whole weekend trying to determine what I could have done to "seal the deal" for the next date right before the awkward good-bye. Could I have been funnier? Did I make him think I wasn't interested? Did I talk too much or too little? Why hasn't he called yet? (I am well aware that the rules of who's calling whom is slightly skewed nowadays so I made an effort this morning to write him a Facebook message about a general topic that we previously conversed...so now the ball is officially in his court and I think it makes the waiting and potential outcome worse).
I've been trying to figure out why I've been so neurotic post-date. Why was I continually over-analyzing the date and the events that occurred on it? (I should have prefaced this entry by saying that I thought the date went pretty well considering my non-date history). I think the root of my neurosis has to do with my over anticipation and excitement over the date itself. I believe that my preparation, high hopes and expectations led to my current low. Maybe the date wasn't even bad, but in my mind it only appeared horrid compared to my exaggerated expectations of how the date should have ended (ie. think cheesy romance). I honestly could have seen myself dating the guy long-term and perhaps that was the exaggerated, albeit hopeful outcome. Was I hoping for that hot chemistry between us and as a result, was it blurring my judgment? I don't think I'll ever know. I do know that on paper he was amazing (and cute) and that he would have been the perfect boyfriend and that is what I am possibly most upset about.
But then again, it's only been two days. He might still call.
Regards,
James.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Our very own Claudia S.
Check out this single gal's very own looks on lookbook.nu!! Who needs that special someone when you can strut freely down that abandoned railroad track. Loves!There are more looks by clicking this link. Amazing looks from global fashionistas, bloggers, and artists, so make sure you check them out, won't ya?!
Regards,
James
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Wanting What We Can't Have.
It has been four months(!) since I have weened myself off from a life-long addiction. Initially, the detox process was killer. I had to mentally block my cravings and stop myself from making a late night run to get my fix. Yes, turning vegetarian was definitely going to be my Everest. Granted, prior to my full on conversion, I realized that I would go for days without eating anything that has a face on it without a care in the world. I was feasting on tasty vegetarian (and sometimes vegan) meals on a recurring basis. But the one specific day I decided in my head that I couldn't touch another piece of chicken breast or salmon fillet, I was fixated on what I couldn't have. We want what we can't have. Is this a universal characteristic that only makes us human? Is this applicable to that one man we can't touch because he is the ex of a friend? Or the boss we lust for at the office? Or that kid next door who just turned 19? How is this the same as wanting a nice bucket of KFC chicken or a Burger King Whopper?
I believe we think this way because we want something that can potentially make us happy, albeit for a very fleeting moment. When we are blocked from wanting something to satisfy us, we of course get upset and try (usually unsuccessfully) to think of something else. But we have to remember that this satiation would only be a temporary fix before wanting more or something different. We have to remember the outcomes and pitfalls of choosing that brief happiness, and change our focus to our long term goals and plans. Why did I choose to become vegetarian? I would like to say that I became vegetarian because I care about animal rights and the ethical treatment of them. I would also like you to believe that I am vegetarian because it is more ecological friendly for the ever-conscious environmentally friendly world. Sadly, I became vegetarian to force me to make more sensible and fresh meals, and would allow me to eat more without the guilt and thus allowing me to lose a pound or ten. Granted, I am a strong believer of the ethical treatment of animals, but the later reason was and is the main reason. For me, thinking of my reason to become vegetarian (ie. to shed the weight) has definitely stopped me from slipping up and chowing down on that Italian sausage, pepperoni, and bacon pizza.
I believe the same reasoning can be applied to our everyday lives, specifically in the realm of our love lives. Yes, it would be great to go out with that one unreliable, irresponsible guy who provides brief moments of fun and perhaps unbelievable, mind-numbing sex. But in the end, would it be worth it if we are in fact seeking a long-term relationship? No. So step away from that juicy, medium-rare, T-bone steak and start chowing down on that bowl of steamed string beans- sensible (and satisfying with the right accompaniments).
Regards,
James.
I believe we think this way because we want something that can potentially make us happy, albeit for a very fleeting moment. When we are blocked from wanting something to satisfy us, we of course get upset and try (usually unsuccessfully) to think of something else. But we have to remember that this satiation would only be a temporary fix before wanting more or something different. We have to remember the outcomes and pitfalls of choosing that brief happiness, and change our focus to our long term goals and plans. Why did I choose to become vegetarian? I would like to say that I became vegetarian because I care about animal rights and the ethical treatment of them. I would also like you to believe that I am vegetarian because it is more ecological friendly for the ever-conscious environmentally friendly world. Sadly, I became vegetarian to force me to make more sensible and fresh meals, and would allow me to eat more without the guilt and thus allowing me to lose a pound or ten. Granted, I am a strong believer of the ethical treatment of animals, but the later reason was and is the main reason. For me, thinking of my reason to become vegetarian (ie. to shed the weight) has definitely stopped me from slipping up and chowing down on that Italian sausage, pepperoni, and bacon pizza.
I believe the same reasoning can be applied to our everyday lives, specifically in the realm of our love lives. Yes, it would be great to go out with that one unreliable, irresponsible guy who provides brief moments of fun and perhaps unbelievable, mind-numbing sex. But in the end, would it be worth it if we are in fact seeking a long-term relationship? No. So step away from that juicy, medium-rare, T-bone steak and start chowing down on that bowl of steamed string beans- sensible (and satisfying with the right accompaniments).
Regards,
James.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Tell Me Lies, Tell Me Sweet Lies
In days of yore, there was a time where we could take everything a guy says at face value and believe it true. I highly doubt that the generation of our great great grandparents were overly worried that their partners were hooking up with complete strangers at the local pub (dance hall). There wasn't much of a need for anxiety or suspicious thoughts with regards to sleeping around or honesty. But in today's society, how is it that we can no longer believe everything our partners tell us (especially at the beginning of a relationship)? Over time, did we develop this suspicion? I believe that this distrusting attitude is not innate considering that our fore fathers were never psycho-obsessive about honesty issues. Over time, relationship after relationship, a "doubting" attitude burgeons that leads us to where we are now.
So if this attitude is not innate, then what signals us that the the partner is lying? Does our common sense spot in our brain tell us? Do our memories and previous experiences send out a DANGER DANGER sign? Or is it our good ol' gut feeling that calls the losers out on their lies and misdeeds? I am sure that we've listened to all of the above, but yet we've fallen for and worst of all, believed, the mass of lies our partner has told us. All the things that we listen to tell us that it's safe, but we end up crying over the realisation that you've been had.
This post isn't very profound. Or optimistic, for that matter. Unfortunately, it's just a comment on society and general. And a hope where we can once again believe EVERYTHING that our partners tell us.
Regards,
James
So if this attitude is not innate, then what signals us that the the partner is lying? Does our common sense spot in our brain tell us? Do our memories and previous experiences send out a DANGER DANGER sign? Or is it our good ol' gut feeling that calls the losers out on their lies and misdeeds? I am sure that we've listened to all of the above, but yet we've fallen for and worst of all, believed, the mass of lies our partner has told us. All the things that we listen to tell us that it's safe, but we end up crying over the realisation that you've been had.
This post isn't very profound. Or optimistic, for that matter. Unfortunately, it's just a comment on society and general. And a hope where we can once again believe EVERYTHING that our partners tell us.
Regards,
James
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