The Break Up

I recently went through a break up and would like to share my thoughts. It began like a page out of a fairy tale....that should have been my first clue this was bound to crash and burn. We couldn't get enough of each other and I can honestly say that first month with him was the happiest I have ever been. I had practically moved into his place and he had told his family about us and was planning trips in the future and even implied that we were soulmates. Normally I would have red flags going off in every direction, but I truly felt like this was real.....

About a month after we started dating his work began to get really busy and he informed me that the "honeymoon period was over." He seemed less excited to see me each time, and our dates seemed to be less frequent. I started to feel like this relationship was operating solely on his time schedule.

Lesson #1. The First Month of a Relationship is a Smoke Screen. They are not being their true self. They are being who they think you want them to be.

I began to see who this guy really was and it was really difficult for me to accept that this once extremely affectionate man who wanted to see me all the time all of a sudden was refusing to hold my hand and limiting our contact to once a week. This. Was. Heart Breaking.

When I confronted him about how I felt and expressed my desire for things to move forward instead of backwards he got really upset with me and said I was being "needy" and he was trying to make an effort to call me and see me, but this just wasn't good enough for me. I had started to fall for him and how do you put your love for someone on hold? I started to tell him all of his "faults" and didn't understand why he wouldn't just compromise to make me happy. We fought over the idea of compromise for a while, and up until recently I thought he was dead wrong.

Lesson #2. Accept Each Other as We Are. Asking your partner to alter themselves for your own needs will only cause stress and resentment in the realtionship and deteriorate your sense of self.

I came across a quote from the book "Eat, Pray, Love" that rang true to me: "In desperate love, we always invent the characters of our partners demanding they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place." Although I think my ex had a part in creating that role as well, once I saw who he really was, I tried to force him to be someone he wasn't.

Lesson #3. Throw Away the Checklist. I had an image in my head of what a relationship was supposed to look like, and I felt inadequate when every box wasn't getting checked off my list. What is a relationship supposed to feel/look like? Are we just supposed to take the bad with the good? It was only after we broke up that I began to realize how important knowing yourself is to be able to answer those questions...which leads me to the final lesson.

Lesson #4. Know Who You Are. Every relationship is different and there is no guidebook to tell you what is right or wrong. I learned that a large degree of my unhappiness in the relationship had nothing to do with what he was or wasn't doing for me, and had everything to do with myself. If you allow your entire happiness to be dependent on the actions of someone else then you are bound to be disappointed. We must have things for ourselves that can sustain us and keep us fulfilled. One of the biggest challenges a lot of women face is learning not to lose themselves in love. Maintaining your own sense of self is essential to remaining in a healthy relationship.

Sometimes break ups happen so we can take that time apart to evolve and re-evaluate our own wants and needs. There is always a lesson to be learned from something bad and it is what you do with this new knowledge that makes all the difference.

I will always be a lover of Love...and one day he will love me back.

Audrey